the "Meantime" matters....

I love church. We had a guest speaker... This 31 year old named Pastor Judah Smith, who strides up to the mic and proceeds to knock my proverbial socks off.


I have always lived in Fast Motion. I worry and think about "When this happens, or When that occurs, or When we get to that point", with very little time spent in the "Meantime". That all ended for me 36 months ago. Pastor Judah said that his father was diagnosed with Myeloma and told he would only live 3 years. That was 6 years ago. Some people live in the past "What happened, why this, why that?", some people fast forward to the "highlights" of their future. All we are given, and it took a tiny little miracle to teach it to me, is RIGHT NOW. The "Meantime".

It may not be exciting, or thrilling, or "highlight" worthy, but it's your life. The best day of your life. Even if you have a storm cloud chasing you around.... the beauty of those clouds are... "Storms don't last"... and after storms, usually beautiful clear skies and an occasional rainbow. If you are in a bleak and dark day...STAY THE COURSE.... Stay in the boat. What He started, He will finish. Stay in the boat.

I'm in a storm right now. A personal, overwhelming storm. And I am so insulated by all of it. That is God's mercy constantly shining on me to bring me hope, and lead me to the other side. He is Right In the Boat with Me. Praise God, I am not who I used to be. I would have jumped ship and swam for shore. I am different because of God's place in my boat.

I don't need answers, I just need Jesus. He is my captain, and He's right beside me every second.

God is Good, All the time.



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Use your Power for Good, GaLaura..

I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I was wandering the halls, so entrenched in worry that I could hardly breathe.  I kept praying and praying and praying for peace.  And then it hit me.  I was going at this deal all wrong.  When I focus on ME, it's too intense, it's too overwhelming.  It's all about ME, and I'm too imperfect.   So, I started praying for others.  I prayed for my mom and her toes, and her slight fender bender from yesterday.  I prayed for my bubba, and his continued success at work.  I prayed for Brad  (I pray for people in age order), that he get the deer of all deer this weekend, and that he makes it home safe and sound from his hunting expedition.  I prayed for Lacey, that she roars through statistics like the lion she is and kicks it all in the face with her typical incredibleness.  I prayed for Kip, that she relax about what God has in store for her and just not worry about graduation next May, and enjoy each day as we ride it out.  I prayed for Hallie and that she comes to terms with all the changes happening in our lives, and that she find the strength to deal with what's ahead for us.  And as I prayed all these things, all MY concerns faded into nothingness.

And I slept.

Upon waking up, everything changed in an instant.  Something I had been battling was lifted and I could breathe again.  I have lost so much weight that I fit into pants I wore 4 years ago, and what should I find in the pocket of those jeans???  $46.   Because God is with me every second, and He is asking me to trust Him in a way I have never let myself trust before, and I can do this.  I can trust Him, with all my heart, and all my strength and all my soul, and He will never leave me.   Even when I have no hair, or lose so much weight I have no more booty to sit on.  He is with me.  Every second.  Every breath.  Every sorrow.  Every victory.  He Is There.

God is Good, all the time.

Good and Bad....

I have been so overwhelmed with bad things happening lately. Bad people, bad news, bad overwhelming the good in every aspect of my life. Lacey was gone this weekend, and I missed her with an intensity I haven't felt since she was a little girl. I want everyone in a tight cocoon of safety right now. Kip graduating this May, uncertain of where she is going to be, so much change in the future. We were all so secure in our safe little haven of the world in our "Compound". Laynie, the center of it, keeping us all grounded, entrenched in hope. Then suddenly, she's gone. Just in an instant.... hearts broken. Life interrupted. Hope dimmed. I stare at her little tiny temporary marker at the cemetery and can't find the words to describe the intense pain I feel with her gone.

We are all so strong, until we aren't. Jessi found a picture on a CD and sent it to Lacey this morning. As happy as I was to see a new picture of Laynie, my heart broke in two. I surround myself with pictures of her. I urge people to have blood drives to keep her memory alive. I want to plan 5K's and have a blood drive a month. I want to talk to churches and ladies groups and student groups, and everyone all over the world about a life that was so amazing, that sometimes I can't believe it really happened.

As I am walking back through the journey and reading her blogs I wrote as we were going, I am amazed. How we yo-yo'd back and forth with good and bad, and have the hindsight now to see God's hand in it all. So much stuff is happening very quickly in my world, and I know that God has my best interests at heart, and He has great things in store for me. The pain of losing Laynie is very real, and ever-present, but the gift of Hope and knowledge that I will someday be with her and never have to leave her again, keeps me moving through the day.

People, don't get lost in your "Bad". Life is a rail road track of good and bad...running parallel on the ground with each other, one not out weighing the other, none longer than the other, just consistent ....good and bad. I could be mired in the bad right now. But, instead, I meet people at blood drives that make me realize that Laynie's life meant something to them. I see people at garage sales that have read her story and are blown away that I am "Lolly". I realize more and more everyday that her life was so purpose filled, and my life, now, is to make sure everyone continues to be blessed by all the lessons she taught us.

The biggest being...Never, Never, Never, Never give up Hope.... no matter in the worst of times, or the best... Hope never fails.

God is so good, all the time.

                                                      Lolly loves you, Layniebug, and misses
                                                                 you every second.  xoxo

Big Ideas, Tiny Baby

I've decided that until I quit crying in the shower over Laynie, I shouldn't date. Dating is exhausting. I am too old, too tired, too impatient, to HOPE that a guy sees my true potential through a really short haircut, and a huge dose of self-angst. Plus, I am so into my relationship with God right now, that dating is a distraction. I am really enjoying my one on one time with God. He is leading me in a totally complete direction. And I don't mean being a lesbian. I mean, Being so busy on a BIG scale with Laynie's memory. I want to lead blood drives, I want to raise awareness of not only the importance of being a blood donor, but an organ donor as well. I want to meet with people that head up BIG events and start some BIG EVENTS. I don't want to go out of this life with nary a bang. I want everyone and everybody to have known about Laynie. And that begins and ends with me.

There is still so much to be done. So much to say, so many lives to minister to. I'm a LOLLYZILLA gone wild. With a purpose. Someone told me the other day (not on this subject, but on a work matter) "You're not thinking BIG enough, you're still minimizing your potential. THINK BIG" Which got me to thinking BIG.... We need blood drives SOMEWHERE every single month. Whether we do it on our own, or we team with an EXISTING blood drive, we need Laynie fans hitting the streets all over the state of Oklahoma. Blood drives EVERY MONTH. We are going to plan a 5K for the spring, and it's going to be huge, going to team with Children's Miracle Network and have a GIANT one.... because Laynie fans WANT to be a part of her story, and though she may not be here with us, HER MEMORY and OUR LOVE FOR HER, will never dim... nor fade, because a LOLLYZILLA is born and awareness has to HAPPEN. And don't think that YOU alone can't make a difference... You have friends, and they have friends, and TOGETHER, WE CAN and WILL make a difference. We will be a nation of LAYNIEZILLAs. With the sole purpose of making a difference.



I got ants in my pants. And it's for making a difference, and as my friends, I ask you to search your life. Are you happy? Do you comfort yourself by buying more shoes? I tried that and all it did was create havoc in my closet. Grab this passion to do more with me, and let's make a difference together. Become an organ donor when you renew your drivers license. Talk over your decisions with your family, so they know what to do in case of a catastrophic event. Don't be scared to talk about it .... talking about it doesn't make it so... then donate blood. Be brave, and donate. If you aren't able to donate due to medical reasons, then help me plan blood drives. I am thinking BIG and OVER THE TOP. and it's all because a lil tiny baby made me know I could do anything.... and will. But most importantly, love God. Love Him with all of your heart, your might, your strength, and He will see you through anything life throws at you.

God is Good, all the time....

Reflections of September 11

 I remember when the planes went into the twin towers.  Hallie turned 3 years old that day.  For whatever reason, after church on Sunday 2 days before, I had an urge to rearrange her birthday party and we had a spontaneous Sunday party, instead of the Tuesday we had planned.  Because 2 days later, thousands of people died.  There wasn't much celebrating in our home.  This was already a hard time of year for us, as my dad died at the age of 60 September 12, 1994.   I always said that God gave me Hallie in September to give us something joyous to celebrate at the time we were so sorrowful.  Pulled our attention away from the grief of losing the patriarch of our family.  God has been faithful to us, far before I acknowledged that it was God's hand.

I heard something that made me really sad on the radio as I was driving home from Hallie's birthday extravaganza this morning.... The year after the attack almost every american was flying a flag at their home in memory of the precious lives lost that day.  Now 9 years later, there are just a smattering of flags here and there.  Why do people forget?  Why do people get so busy in their everyday lives that they forget all the things that should shape us??  I, for one, will fly my flag every September 11 until the day I die.  I will NEVER forget.

Lacey has been very down this past week.  Rain and cloudy weather make us always down, this year even more so.  I walked into her house last night, and she was just crying and holding a book.   "WHAT??"  my heart pounding....  "Mom, it's our book from the funeral home"  (where all of you precious ones went and wrote your tribute to Laynie)   "It's EXACTLY what I needed, because I need to know her life made a difference, and that it mattered."   Oh my heart.  Oh my aching heart.   Not only for my own loss of a precious lil miracle that carries my heart, but for my precious firstborn who carries my heart as well.  How can I ease her pain, when my own is triplefold??

I know Laynie impacted you people.  I see her fan base still growing, and I know you are sharing her story.  Her life MATTERED, and I hope in the everyday of your lives, you don't stop telling her story.   Don't quit flying your flags and don't ever forget a tiny baby that changed us all.

God is Good, All the Time.

I carry your heart....

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet

i want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart...

Musing #3 of Eat pray Love .... Time for "Love"

It's ironic, and yet it's not, that the last 3 of my musings, comes down to "Love" on the day I had my first date in 18 months. It was a cool date.. a guy from Match.com no less (I've stopped calling it Match.ho, in hopes that it will get better if I don't make fun of it), and he was just delightful. Sharp, funny, gorgeous, loves his kids, has a job (a biggie for me), and just nice as could be. So what did I do, but freeze up and be a total dweeb. I think dating takes practice. It's not like riding a bicycle, something you never forget, I think it's more like roller skating, the older you get the more cautious and slower you go. Well, I rollerskated for the first time since the breakup and it was a pleasant delightful surprise. Will he call me again?? Who knows, all I know is I finally got the guts up to finally do it, and it was fun.



In the "Love" portion of the book, Liz is in Bali... a beautiful place where she works with an old wise man that teaches her about moving on and loving herself, and a healer woman that Liz helps build a home. The Healer tells her, after Liz gets her leg hurt in a bike accident, bluntly, "you need sex, your knees tell me this". Hmm. I won't go out and tell you EVERYTHING I'd like to write about this subject, but I think that sometimes it's not all about your knees. Just sayin.

Liz finds (and since this was a true story, and not my soft porn fiction I so adore that ALWAYS turns out with a happy ending) her True Love at the end of the book. When she finally opens her heart and lets go of all her past garbage, she finally gets the baggage out of her heart and it frees up the space that has been closed with the garbage, and she finds love again. This book gave me hope.

And without hope....you've got nothing. I learned that from a lil baby, that taught us all. Dating is a bit like a job interview. It's just a process to finding your perfect fit. I think when I can let go of the "Junk" from the past, which I have finally done, I'm allowing all the joy that I have to give and receive become a reality.

Cause as you ALL know... I'm kind of a big deal. so is Liz, Eat Pray & Love...read it.

God is Good, all the time.