Dropping the Mask of Pain

I have been very remiss in writing.  I sometimes believe that what I think, or what I am feeling is somehow encroaching on your time, or your emotions. I don't want to burden Laynie fans with sadness, or with pain. Here's what I remembered today at church, under the wonderful message from our campus pastor Miles... It's so easy when you are a child, and get hurt, to go run for help to your parents. As adults, we lose that sense of running for help. We bury it deep inside of ourselves, and put on a "Mask of Indifference". What I remembered today, is there is hope beyond the hurt.


I think what struck the chord in so many people about Laynie's journey, was that we never gave up hope. We knew going in that we were only given a small amount of time to garner every bit of wonder and goodness from this gift. We never took for granted one single day, that we would have the next day. It was truly a scriptural walk. God wants us to live "In the moment", building our faith, and our trust in Him, so that when the storms come, and they will come, we are so firmly planted, where I like to say, "In His pocket", that NOTHING, no matter how hard, or sad or desperate it is, God is there, and we can hear His voice through the pain.

I am OVER 2010. There has been so much loss, so much hurt, so much anger, and so much bitterness this year, that I am OVER it. I have had to watch my grandbaby die, I have had to suffer the loss of a job, from people I trusted with my very life, I've had to react to friends' dying, friends' parents dying, babies dying, car wrecks and loss of friendships. And the only constant thing I could count on through every single loss, was God's ever faithful presence. He never says He will keep that pain from coming, but what He does promise is that He will NEVER leave our side. And because of that promise, I have been able to walk through some very difficult days.

And it's really because I have trusted myself to write, and to be transparent in my "musings", that God has given me near total healing from the pain of loss. I know my writings aren't for everyone, but I know that there are many of you out there struggling with some sort of hurtful, painful situation right now. And with the pain of being broken myself, I can stand here before you today, and say, "God will never forsake or leave you, just keep walking the walk, and never, never, never, give up hope"

"Praise Be to God...the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

Please know that if you are hurting, or experiencing a loss, you are NOT alone. Just reach out, and ask for help. Never, never, never, give up hope.  God's blesses you with losses to teach you compassion, and gives you healing so you can be strong for someone else.  I know this first hand. 

God is Good, all the time.

Life is Good

I am so proud of my children.   Lacey took an intership with Children's Miracle Network this past week and started her beginning with them with a BANG.   They had their annual radiothon this week, and we reflected over last year, when Laynie ended up in the hospital for what we know now, was the beginning to our ending.  Well, this year was very different.  In addition to hearing the "Laynie montage" over and over on KXY 96.1, Lacey talked several times on the radio and got to share A L O T about her walk and the enormity of the beauty.  Dan & Bill and Patti (the DJ's) all remembered Laynie (who could forget her?) and loved talking about her with Lacey.   I was on once, and was a big giant dork machine (which is what I do best), and thankfully the radio went silent during most of my spiel, so I didn't sound completely crazy.  It's funny how you KNOW what you want to say, and then when you actually GET UP THERE to say it, you just lose brain power.  That's my story, but it's sure not Lacey's.  She is amazing.

Now Kip, in her final two semesters of her 5 year architecture program.  In addition to going to school full time..She got not one, but 2 jobs this week.  Part time at a retail store at our mall, for the seasonal rush, and then the best and biggest blessing, she will be working with the Lymphoma/Leukemia Foundation, as a recruiter.   What an amazing job for her.  She will be able to share her story with hundreds of kids and teachers and rally them to do fundraisers in their school to support the Lymphoma/Leukemia Foundation.  (big ole smile from Mom, here).

And I can't forget Hallie, who is hauling in a 4.0 in middle school.  SHe loves to talk about Laynie, and has no problem telling anyone the story.

Could any of us have done this 3 years ago??  Boldly shared our faith and talked about God's mercy and love, to just about ANYONE that walks by??  I don't think so.  But we are different.  All because of a tiny little miracle that taught us all.

God is Good, all the time.

the "Meantime" matters....

I love church. We had a guest speaker... This 31 year old named Pastor Judah Smith, who strides up to the mic and proceeds to knock my proverbial socks off.


I have always lived in Fast Motion. I worry and think about "When this happens, or When that occurs, or When we get to that point", with very little time spent in the "Meantime". That all ended for me 36 months ago. Pastor Judah said that his father was diagnosed with Myeloma and told he would only live 3 years. That was 6 years ago. Some people live in the past "What happened, why this, why that?", some people fast forward to the "highlights" of their future. All we are given, and it took a tiny little miracle to teach it to me, is RIGHT NOW. The "Meantime".

It may not be exciting, or thrilling, or "highlight" worthy, but it's your life. The best day of your life. Even if you have a storm cloud chasing you around.... the beauty of those clouds are... "Storms don't last"... and after storms, usually beautiful clear skies and an occasional rainbow. If you are in a bleak and dark day...STAY THE COURSE.... Stay in the boat. What He started, He will finish. Stay in the boat.

I'm in a storm right now. A personal, overwhelming storm. And I am so insulated by all of it. That is God's mercy constantly shining on me to bring me hope, and lead me to the other side. He is Right In the Boat with Me. Praise God, I am not who I used to be. I would have jumped ship and swam for shore. I am different because of God's place in my boat.

I don't need answers, I just need Jesus. He is my captain, and He's right beside me every second.

God is Good, All the time.



.

Use your Power for Good, GaLaura..

I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I was wandering the halls, so entrenched in worry that I could hardly breathe.  I kept praying and praying and praying for peace.  And then it hit me.  I was going at this deal all wrong.  When I focus on ME, it's too intense, it's too overwhelming.  It's all about ME, and I'm too imperfect.   So, I started praying for others.  I prayed for my mom and her toes, and her slight fender bender from yesterday.  I prayed for my bubba, and his continued success at work.  I prayed for Brad  (I pray for people in age order), that he get the deer of all deer this weekend, and that he makes it home safe and sound from his hunting expedition.  I prayed for Lacey, that she roars through statistics like the lion she is and kicks it all in the face with her typical incredibleness.  I prayed for Kip, that she relax about what God has in store for her and just not worry about graduation next May, and enjoy each day as we ride it out.  I prayed for Hallie and that she comes to terms with all the changes happening in our lives, and that she find the strength to deal with what's ahead for us.  And as I prayed all these things, all MY concerns faded into nothingness.

And I slept.

Upon waking up, everything changed in an instant.  Something I had been battling was lifted and I could breathe again.  I have lost so much weight that I fit into pants I wore 4 years ago, and what should I find in the pocket of those jeans???  $46.   Because God is with me every second, and He is asking me to trust Him in a way I have never let myself trust before, and I can do this.  I can trust Him, with all my heart, and all my strength and all my soul, and He will never leave me.   Even when I have no hair, or lose so much weight I have no more booty to sit on.  He is with me.  Every second.  Every breath.  Every sorrow.  Every victory.  He Is There.

God is Good, all the time.

Good and Bad....

I have been so overwhelmed with bad things happening lately. Bad people, bad news, bad overwhelming the good in every aspect of my life. Lacey was gone this weekend, and I missed her with an intensity I haven't felt since she was a little girl. I want everyone in a tight cocoon of safety right now. Kip graduating this May, uncertain of where she is going to be, so much change in the future. We were all so secure in our safe little haven of the world in our "Compound". Laynie, the center of it, keeping us all grounded, entrenched in hope. Then suddenly, she's gone. Just in an instant.... hearts broken. Life interrupted. Hope dimmed. I stare at her little tiny temporary marker at the cemetery and can't find the words to describe the intense pain I feel with her gone.

We are all so strong, until we aren't. Jessi found a picture on a CD and sent it to Lacey this morning. As happy as I was to see a new picture of Laynie, my heart broke in two. I surround myself with pictures of her. I urge people to have blood drives to keep her memory alive. I want to plan 5K's and have a blood drive a month. I want to talk to churches and ladies groups and student groups, and everyone all over the world about a life that was so amazing, that sometimes I can't believe it really happened.

As I am walking back through the journey and reading her blogs I wrote as we were going, I am amazed. How we yo-yo'd back and forth with good and bad, and have the hindsight now to see God's hand in it all. So much stuff is happening very quickly in my world, and I know that God has my best interests at heart, and He has great things in store for me. The pain of losing Laynie is very real, and ever-present, but the gift of Hope and knowledge that I will someday be with her and never have to leave her again, keeps me moving through the day.

People, don't get lost in your "Bad". Life is a rail road track of good and bad...running parallel on the ground with each other, one not out weighing the other, none longer than the other, just consistent ....good and bad. I could be mired in the bad right now. But, instead, I meet people at blood drives that make me realize that Laynie's life meant something to them. I see people at garage sales that have read her story and are blown away that I am "Lolly". I realize more and more everyday that her life was so purpose filled, and my life, now, is to make sure everyone continues to be blessed by all the lessons she taught us.

The biggest being...Never, Never, Never, Never give up Hope.... no matter in the worst of times, or the best... Hope never fails.

God is so good, all the time.

                                                      Lolly loves you, Layniebug, and misses
                                                                 you every second.  xoxo

Big Ideas, Tiny Baby

I've decided that until I quit crying in the shower over Laynie, I shouldn't date. Dating is exhausting. I am too old, too tired, too impatient, to HOPE that a guy sees my true potential through a really short haircut, and a huge dose of self-angst. Plus, I am so into my relationship with God right now, that dating is a distraction. I am really enjoying my one on one time with God. He is leading me in a totally complete direction. And I don't mean being a lesbian. I mean, Being so busy on a BIG scale with Laynie's memory. I want to lead blood drives, I want to raise awareness of not only the importance of being a blood donor, but an organ donor as well. I want to meet with people that head up BIG events and start some BIG EVENTS. I don't want to go out of this life with nary a bang. I want everyone and everybody to have known about Laynie. And that begins and ends with me.

There is still so much to be done. So much to say, so many lives to minister to. I'm a LOLLYZILLA gone wild. With a purpose. Someone told me the other day (not on this subject, but on a work matter) "You're not thinking BIG enough, you're still minimizing your potential. THINK BIG" Which got me to thinking BIG.... We need blood drives SOMEWHERE every single month. Whether we do it on our own, or we team with an EXISTING blood drive, we need Laynie fans hitting the streets all over the state of Oklahoma. Blood drives EVERY MONTH. We are going to plan a 5K for the spring, and it's going to be huge, going to team with Children's Miracle Network and have a GIANT one.... because Laynie fans WANT to be a part of her story, and though she may not be here with us, HER MEMORY and OUR LOVE FOR HER, will never dim... nor fade, because a LOLLYZILLA is born and awareness has to HAPPEN. And don't think that YOU alone can't make a difference... You have friends, and they have friends, and TOGETHER, WE CAN and WILL make a difference. We will be a nation of LAYNIEZILLAs. With the sole purpose of making a difference.



I got ants in my pants. And it's for making a difference, and as my friends, I ask you to search your life. Are you happy? Do you comfort yourself by buying more shoes? I tried that and all it did was create havoc in my closet. Grab this passion to do more with me, and let's make a difference together. Become an organ donor when you renew your drivers license. Talk over your decisions with your family, so they know what to do in case of a catastrophic event. Don't be scared to talk about it .... talking about it doesn't make it so... then donate blood. Be brave, and donate. If you aren't able to donate due to medical reasons, then help me plan blood drives. I am thinking BIG and OVER THE TOP. and it's all because a lil tiny baby made me know I could do anything.... and will. But most importantly, love God. Love Him with all of your heart, your might, your strength, and He will see you through anything life throws at you.

God is Good, all the time....

Reflections of September 11

 I remember when the planes went into the twin towers.  Hallie turned 3 years old that day.  For whatever reason, after church on Sunday 2 days before, I had an urge to rearrange her birthday party and we had a spontaneous Sunday party, instead of the Tuesday we had planned.  Because 2 days later, thousands of people died.  There wasn't much celebrating in our home.  This was already a hard time of year for us, as my dad died at the age of 60 September 12, 1994.   I always said that God gave me Hallie in September to give us something joyous to celebrate at the time we were so sorrowful.  Pulled our attention away from the grief of losing the patriarch of our family.  God has been faithful to us, far before I acknowledged that it was God's hand.

I heard something that made me really sad on the radio as I was driving home from Hallie's birthday extravaganza this morning.... The year after the attack almost every american was flying a flag at their home in memory of the precious lives lost that day.  Now 9 years later, there are just a smattering of flags here and there.  Why do people forget?  Why do people get so busy in their everyday lives that they forget all the things that should shape us??  I, for one, will fly my flag every September 11 until the day I die.  I will NEVER forget.

Lacey has been very down this past week.  Rain and cloudy weather make us always down, this year even more so.  I walked into her house last night, and she was just crying and holding a book.   "WHAT??"  my heart pounding....  "Mom, it's our book from the funeral home"  (where all of you precious ones went and wrote your tribute to Laynie)   "It's EXACTLY what I needed, because I need to know her life made a difference, and that it mattered."   Oh my heart.  Oh my aching heart.   Not only for my own loss of a precious lil miracle that carries my heart, but for my precious firstborn who carries my heart as well.  How can I ease her pain, when my own is triplefold??

I know Laynie impacted you people.  I see her fan base still growing, and I know you are sharing her story.  Her life MATTERED, and I hope in the everyday of your lives, you don't stop telling her story.   Don't quit flying your flags and don't ever forget a tiny baby that changed us all.

God is Good, All the Time.

I carry your heart....

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet

i want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart...

Musing #3 of Eat pray Love .... Time for "Love"

It's ironic, and yet it's not, that the last 3 of my musings, comes down to "Love" on the day I had my first date in 18 months. It was a cool date.. a guy from Match.com no less (I've stopped calling it Match.ho, in hopes that it will get better if I don't make fun of it), and he was just delightful. Sharp, funny, gorgeous, loves his kids, has a job (a biggie for me), and just nice as could be. So what did I do, but freeze up and be a total dweeb. I think dating takes practice. It's not like riding a bicycle, something you never forget, I think it's more like roller skating, the older you get the more cautious and slower you go. Well, I rollerskated for the first time since the breakup and it was a pleasant delightful surprise. Will he call me again?? Who knows, all I know is I finally got the guts up to finally do it, and it was fun.



In the "Love" portion of the book, Liz is in Bali... a beautiful place where she works with an old wise man that teaches her about moving on and loving herself, and a healer woman that Liz helps build a home. The Healer tells her, after Liz gets her leg hurt in a bike accident, bluntly, "you need sex, your knees tell me this". Hmm. I won't go out and tell you EVERYTHING I'd like to write about this subject, but I think that sometimes it's not all about your knees. Just sayin.

Liz finds (and since this was a true story, and not my soft porn fiction I so adore that ALWAYS turns out with a happy ending) her True Love at the end of the book. When she finally opens her heart and lets go of all her past garbage, she finally gets the baggage out of her heart and it frees up the space that has been closed with the garbage, and she finds love again. This book gave me hope.

And without hope....you've got nothing. I learned that from a lil baby, that taught us all. Dating is a bit like a job interview. It's just a process to finding your perfect fit. I think when I can let go of the "Junk" from the past, which I have finally done, I'm allowing all the joy that I have to give and receive become a reality.

Cause as you ALL know... I'm kind of a big deal. so is Liz, Eat Pray & Love...read it.

God is Good, all the time.

Eat Pray & Love Musings..... "Pray" ... "open heart" warning...feelings exposed

http://www.jesusrockz.net/2010/01/before-the-morning-josh-wilson-with-lyrics

You gotta listen to that first. Better yet, listen while you are reading. The second "musing" of my three "musings" of this book that so seared into me, has to start And End with this song.

Liz is despairing, at the most holy of places, an Ashram in the center of India, the highest temples of meditation and prayer, of a lost love. "I loved him, I miss him, Who am I without him?" she wails to her friend. Phew. Talk about hitting me right where my mama lives. Wham. Solar plexus, no holds barred wham to the stomach. If you are reading this and are lucky enough to have never lost a marriage, then you are fortunate indeed and I envy, without any malice, you and your spouse. I have not attained what you have attained. I have not had the joy of sharing my life with someone I love and adore. I was far too young the first time, and though I hold him in the highest regard, admire him completely and am proud to be his friend, we never attained one-ness. The second time was just a crapped out mess before it started, so there was nothing but addiction and pain involved in that deal. The only good thing to come out of it was my daughter. Only thing. So I have done nothing but screw up and screw up and screw up. Then I quit dating.....for awhile and tried to catch my breath. After that second attempt at marriage, it sucked all that is holy out of me and I had to find myself again. And when I did, I really liked me. It took me a long time to forgive myself of all the mistakes I had made, but I did it,and best of all, I finally believe that God forgave me too. That took me a long time to grasp and realize. Then I started to power date... because NEVER again was I going to get sucked into a bad pain filled mess....ever, and power dating seemed to be the way to do that. Many interesting men, many interesting stories, no real intimacy, no real "life"...just play and go. Most empty feeling ever. Then right when I finally gave up, I thought (mistakenly) that God had dropped me my "Big Red Bow" in my lap in the form of a "Big Bowed Up Red Neck". I was given a glimpse of what life should be for everyone. Four years and many happy days later, with very little warning, he left me. We didn't fight, we hummed along like ham and eggs, and then one day he's just done. Kaput. Over. Does this sound familiar to any of you? And the worst part, when looking for reasons..... "It's just me, It's not you" Men, if you are reading this and thinking of ever using it, I just want to tell you, that is worse than saying, "I just hate everything about you and need out." At least that gives us something to work with.

So anyway, I feel alot of kinship with this lady that wrote this book. Here she is in the most holy of places and she can't get over the fact that life threw her a curve ball. She didn't lose a beloved grandbaby, she didn't lose a parent, she lost a love....and I can feel her pain in every word. Now her friend, who is a no nonsense Texan that calls her "Groceries" given her passion to eat, tells her (and I am going to tattoo this on my forehead) "You can look back on all this someday and see when you finally gave way to that door to close, that you finally had enough room to let real love in. Don't be the junkyard dog that keeps licking that empty can, long after any nourishment is gone. Don't have your nose buried so deep in that empty can that you can't get out of it". Squirm. Long sigh. Squirm. I'm a freakin junkyard dog, and I have let it happen.

The wonderfulness of all of this, is it means I am not alone. If she felt the EXACT same feelings, then I am not alone. What I know for a one hundred percent fact though is "I am kinda of a big deal". And if I don't believe it, who else will?? I watch my single friends struggle with the same issues, and I am encouraged. It probably wasn't about me. It probably was all about him. And after a year and a half of grieving, it's time to move on.

Losing Laynie, and letting go of the dream of a grandbaby has awakened all these dormant feelings of loss with that relationship. And I am powerless to fight them. So I am embracing the pain, the loss of a true love of my precious granddaughter, the loss of a percieved love, and the loss of the dreams those two things represented to me. My family. My precious family. And it's time for "Letting Go". because what does Josh Wilson say in that awesome song I attached ...

Do you wonder, why you have to Feel the things that hurt you, If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now


Maybe there are things you can’t see, And all those things are happening, To bring a better ending


Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe, That you still have a reason to sing, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming, So hold on you gotta wait for the light, Press on and just fight the good fight, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It’s just the dark before the morning


My friend, you know how this all ends, You know where you’re going ,You just don’t know how you’ll get there So say a prayer


And hold on, cause there’s good for those who love God , But life is not a snapshot, It might take a little time, but you’ll see the bigger picture


Would you dare would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing, Cause the pain that you've been feeling, It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming! So hold on you gotta wait for the light, Press on and just fight the good fight, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It’s just the dark before the morning

So, Liz tells us in her book that she Prays to find peace... and I loved how she finally worked through.... instead of dwelling on pain, she prayed for her nephew, took the spotlight off her problems and prayed for the healing and help to someone else, and her true healing began. I don't know how, why, after I totally believed that God had Laynie's plan and I totally gave it all to Him, why I am having such a hard time with this.

I can say this with utter conviction and belief in myself.... Whoever finally finds me, is going to get a dandy... cause I am a dandy, and I am finally 97% believing it. 3% still hurting, but God has him out there for me... and I bet he's looking for me too. I have to burn this into my heart, same as I knew God had Laynie's plan from the very minute she was conceived. IT's all part of the plan, and I have to believe.

God is Good, AND oh so patient with me, All the time.

Eat Pray & Love.... Let's break it down... "EAT" first

I adored this book. If we had got to have the book club dealy I thought we were going to having (clearing throat, Amanda), I would have thrown all this perspective on them.... as it is, I am throwing it on you, my unsuspecting, but usually up to whatever I have to drone on about, friends.


This book is so all encompassing, I have decided I am going to write about it in three parts. First, let's 'eat'.

This book was like reading my diary. Except without any travel, money, or big word usage. So maybe I should rephrase. This chick might be me. It's uncomfortable to read a book and see yourself (especially the unflattering parts) unfold on the pages. Everything she squirmed about that was totally her, was completely me. Except without the big words.

I loved this book so much I read up on her autobiography to see what she is doing today. What really spoke to me was when asked if she ever thought that SO MANY people would read her book, would she have been quite so 'personal" in her telling, she responded, that if indeed she had known, she might have held back some parts, but for the most part, no, she was pleased with the telling. And boy, so was I.

This chick is recovering from basically her "life". She hasn't lost anyone in death, she isn't so broke she is suicidal, but she has made some horrid mis-steps and longs for a better life, a more peaceful existance. So she first heads off to Italy to discover "pleasure". And she finds pleasure in food. THere are chapters that glory over her lunches, gelatos, and bottles of wine. I am intrigued by this, as I am buying a sign for my fridge that says "The only reason there is a kitchen, is because it came with the house".

I cooked when the older girls were babies and young kids. After the divorce, we started on what I like to call, "the lean years" diet. Consisted of alot of hamburgers and hotdogs, and pizza. And I have stuck with this diet most of my life. We'd have some spaghetti, tacos and pizza ring thrown in there now and then, but to say I cook, is a bit of a stretch. Now, I can cook. And when I want to, I can cook dang good. But then there is the aftermath of cooking that wears me out. The cleanup, the leftovers, the dishes. Blek. So I don't mind cooking if someone else will please pick up.

So I loved the whole idea of Liz eating. She just got her some muffin top fitting "Italy" pants and went on. Everything about that appeals to me. Of course, I say that being a 6 foot tall big ole drink of water that can eat anything I want (almost). My idea of a good round food group for breakfast is cheetos, sour/sweet gummie worms, and a DDP. That takes care of dairy (cheetos/cheese/ get it?) fruit (gummy's/vitamin c infused, right?) and DDP, I guess that's my cold caffeine. If you don't believe me, you can ask Amber, at 7-11 down the street, she will vouch for me. I rarely deviate. Though I have to admit, since I have been walking/running/sweating, I don't eat as much crap, and I only have my morning DDP, and have no more the rest of the day. Water, ice tea.. really trying hard here.

Anyhoo, What I derived from the eating in Italy, was that we don't relax enough and enjoy life. It's all hurry up and go, go go. and in Italy it's a slower gentler, easier pace. (But not as slow and gentle in Holland, my most favorite of all places)

So eat, but be smart about it. Walk 10 minutes at least twice a day, and enjoy dessert.

God is Good, all the time.

Zumba...the Lolly way...

I took my first Zumba class last night. I was too tired, too sweaty and too overwhelmed to write about it last night. Now this morning, I'm ready.


First of all, my teacher was an exhuberant African American gal that has rhythm in her hair. just standing still she oozes rhythm. There are just some people that should dance. SHe is one of them. Now the funny part of it is, she thinks EVERYONE else should be able to dance, too. Most of the 20 people in that class kicked booty. I was just happy if I got either my arms going the right way, or forgo the arms, and get my feet going the right way, I think twice I actually suceeded in having both arms and legs moving at the same time. The good thing about Zumba, for most of the people in there, it's about SURVIVAL.


I told the couple behind me I didn't want to hear any snickering, and even that tall ole guy kicked my booty. I looked behind me as we were circling shaking our booties at one point and he was get GETTIN' it. Amazing. I was thankful for the 70 year old guy standing at the end of the row in front of me, because I think we could be the power couple of the class.


BUT, it's all about fun, right?? And it was fun. Until we started kind of bouncing in place, and sure enough, that bladder that used to be young and in charge, might have let me down. Why oh WHY if you do anything of a bouncing nature, nature calls??? I blame it on the watermelons I delivered in form of babies. I do believe they are the reason I can't really jump on a trampoline or bounce like a spring in zumba. Sheesh.


As Hallie and I crawled our sweaty mess selves to the car last night, I was encouraged from my skinny out of shape 11 year old "Are we ever coming back??", knowing full well at that current second the liklihood was slim,  and when I crawled in the house, I looked at the schedule, called Lacey and figured out we'll go on Mondays and Wednesdays every week. Surely I'll get the steps at some point, and who doesn't want to sweat and maybe pee on themselves on purpose?? What a BLAST. And no one CARES if you look like a swan. A big dorky swan, smiling and sweatin like a pig. And after sleeping with foot cramps every 10 minutes ALL NIGHT, (need potassium) I am STILL going back. That is the most fun, sweaty, exhilirating form of excercise I have ever experienced. I am hurting in all my flabby spots this morning (which pretty much means my whole body except my earlobes).


Zumba, slap on a diaper, and GO!

90 minutes in Heaven

I was driving around singing the Revelation Song with my hands in the air, and I reflected on a book I read prior to Laynie. It was a true story titled "90 minutes in heaven". It's a story about a preacher that is on his way home from some church event and his car was smashed by a semi. He was pronounced dead at the scene. A preacher in a car behind him that saw the whole thing, was compelled by God to get out of his car, and go to the scene to assist. Even though the paramedics told him that Don Piper was dead, he said "Something made me go to that car and pray for him". Mr. Piper was so smashed in his car, the preacher could only touch his shoulder, but as he sat there holding the shoulder of a dead man, he prayed. He prayed so hard that he ran out of words to pray. And when he ran out of words to pray he started singing.... and as he was singing, he heard a sound in the car with him. The man that had been pronounced dead, was singing with him. This book rocked my world.



What I remember most about this book was Brother Piper's journey back. It took him a long time to admit to anyone what happened to him during his 90 minutes of "death". What he describes is so beautiful and so powerful, that it changed my entire way of thinking, and it also made me homesick for a place that until then, remained a puzzle to me.


He said that he remembers bright lights, and then the faces of his loved ones, his father, his grandparents...the most beloved people in his life, standing there whole and perfect and with joy permeating through them. Nothing but jubilant joy and happiness and love, he felt all of that in hundredfold. Then he goes on to describe the singing and the colors and the magnificant perfection of what he was experiencing.... I'm not kidding here. It changed me.


I have to believe, and I sincerely 100% believe that little Laynie was greeted by her PawPaw Harold with the most crushing hug she had ever experienced. I remember saying a hundred times during her life to my mom, "Wouldn't dad have just adored her?" and now it's his turn. It's his turn, and my precious memaw, who could cook the meanest meal on the planet, and my aunts and uncles, and all the loved ones that have gone on to the "light and music" of heaven.


If you have not read this book, I highly recommend it. It gave me a peace about dying that nothing else ever has. We are only dead to this worldy existence.... and so alive in what we have been striving for as Christians our entire life..... eternal life with our heavenly Father.


With all our loved ones. There is no way I want to mess that up. I am homesick for the day that I can be reunited with my loved ones. And I don't dread or worry about that at all. I am ready to be part of the eternity that I am promised, given to me from a Savior that died on a cross for me. That is powerful stuff friends.


90 minutes in Heaven.... It's a book to read... but my goal is Eternal life in Heaven.... someday.


God is Good, all the time.

Practice Your Turns

I listen to my oldest daughters counsel my younger daughter, on life, and church, on friends, on growing up, and I think to myself "When did they get so smart? Where was I?" Lacey is in such a God Filled, Spirit Fed place right now, that she almost glows with goodness. She was given a task, straight from the hand of God, and she not only started it, she finished it, and knocked the proverbial ball right out of the park. She prayed a prayer to make her less selfish, to quit looking for self gratification in the bible, and to be bold in her journey. She didn't want to be a "quiet Christian", but she didn't know how to get out of her "comfort zone" of life. So God answered her with a 30 month journey that would forever change her. I watch Kip, getting closer and closer to God, so above this earthly walk that she worries she will alienate herself. Here's my thinking, the closer you are to God, the less you care about that stuff. HE truly fills your needs. And the way he answers prayers, showed to us by a Gift straight from His hands to our lives, is perfect. You have to walk in surrendered faith, and that is the hardest part. Giving up that "self" and just "being". That's the piece of the puzzle that was always lost on the floor to me.


I've been brewing this blog in my head all week, and in keeping with my A.D.D., it's changed shapes and words many times. All I know is I hear things different. I could never understand how people could only listen to worship music. What about Journey, Foreigner, KC and the Sunshine Band?? How do you give that music up?? Because when you are filled with the Spirit, you don't want that outside distraction taking you from your walk.. singing "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight" in your car, now you are singing "Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God you are higher than ANY other" and raising your hands in the car and singing your heart out, where people sit and stare at you at stop signs. True story.

I'm ending with a story. When Lacey was a sophomore in HS, she made the pom squad. She was not good that first year. I hadn't given her many dance classes and though she had natural talent, she didn't have the technique the other girls had. What she had was drive and determination and a longing to be the best pom girl ever. She practiced turns in my front room for hours, and we had a bald spot in the carpet, where she would turn and turn and turn. And I encouraged, critiqued (yes, I tried to learn to turn and my girls will tell you I stink), cheered, rallied, and she became incredible. She also kept her eye on God through it all, coming home crying one day, "Mom, they were talking about "partying, boys, friends" (I can't remember specifics) and I walked in the room, and one of the girls said "Oh don't tell Lacey, she'll drop to her knees and pray for you". I looked her square in the eye and said "Sis, if that's the worse they say about you, then you have nothing to worry about". But where I was going with this, is this..... I wish everyone had that committed drive to walking with God. Hours and hours of "turns", practicing your Christianity, just being the best "Pom Girl/Christian" you can be. It's the best feeling in the world....taking State, being handed the perfect gift in the form of a baby, understanding it's not about you, always about Him, and truly walking the walk, and finding friends that will encourage you and cheer you on in that journey. It's a National medal in the form of eternal life.

Practice your turns, cause there's dancing in heaven.

God is Good, all the time.

What If ??

I have been plaguing myself for the last few days of "What if all that dancing caused Laynie to bleed internally?" "What if we held her too tight, danced too wild, blah blah blah."


Friends, I do believe I have entered the grief state of GUILT. I honestly laid in my bed last night wide awake plagued with that fear. No matter what I said to myself.."It was fun, she loved it, it was such a fun memory" the guilt remained.

But today on my walk, I realized many things. One, we were never to even have her for the twenty nine months that we did have her. We couldn't or wouldn't have done one thing different than we did. Because, friends, we LOVED. We learned how to full out LOVE and LIVE in the minute. So I can't be plagued with doubts now. I can't second guess things that we had no control over. It's time to move on and breathe, and live, but never forget. And two, in church, we are talking about TOXIC ... toxic thoughts, friends, relationships, churches. And I knew in an instant that I was having toxic thoughts. And I replaced it with "God is my strength and my shield"... and I came back here and wrote about this, finally in the full realization that despite my thoughts, God is with me, every second, guiding my walk and helping me see ..... well.... this....

I think all of us should live like today is our last day. If we had known that Laynie was only going to live 10 days past that dancing day, I think I wouldn't have tired out as fast. I would have danced longer with her, sang louder to her, laughed harder with her.. just cherishing every second even more than we already were. But we didn't know. We knew, but we didn't know. When the end of your life is staring at you, will you have intense regret you didn't spend enough time with your loved ones? I don't think that I have ever heard anyone on their death bed say "Oh, man, I wish I had worked harder on that project at work.' or "I wish I had worked all those extra weekends". No, it's "I wish I had danced longer with my loves."

So, instead of worrying that I hurt her by dancing, I am going to embrace the fact that we did, indeed, dance.




God is Good, all the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw

I Dare You to Move

When I was in college, I was a trainer at Magic Mirror. I worked those old gals within an inch of their lives and they loved it and so did I. Now, I'm the "old gal" and have completely gotten out of the flow of exercise, with life taking front seat.


I strapped on my iphone, which to my delight holds an Ipod. Imagine that. But it's not an Ipod I seek, it's Pandora Radio with my favorite "David Crowder Band" plugged into Search, and away we go to the best music on the planet. All the worship music I adore. It searches by genre and sounds like and plays unlimited music that sounds like David Crowder and I am in love with an Iphone app. Many of my friends have love affairs with their apps, but not me, I'm not an "app" kind of girl. Til now.

Today when I was walking/skipping/running , "I Dare you to Move" by Switchfoot came on and as I listened to the words, I felt incredible. "Welcome to the Planet, Welcome to Existence". I miss Laynie with an intensity that sometimes overwhelms me, but I am at a New Season, and God is Daring me to Move. And there is nothing I want more than to move God into people's lives. Because everyone needs to feel this loved, this cherished, this renewed. (My endorphins are JUMPING up and down with glee).

I have a story...This has been a bit back, Kip was still at home, but music plays all the time in my house and Switchfoot's "This is Your Life...Are you Who you Wanna be" was playing and Kip and Hallie were getting ready for school and I heard Hallie just singing in her room, and our dog walked by her door and she asked her "Arlie, are you who you wanna be?" Dear God, help me raise this little girl into a warrior for you. Make her bold enough to ask more than her dog about her salvation." That is my prayer for my children. That is my prayer for me. Laynie made me a Lollyzilla. I want us to be a nation of Layniezilla's....believer of the miracles, believer of the incredible.. cause that's what God's love will do, make it incredible.

I should know, because I'm out sweating in the mornings, because it's time to live and do it well. I dare You to Move.

God is Good, all the time.

Friends and Mailboxes

My friend Fonda is the best hostess on the planet.  Bar None.  And I don't just say that lightly.  Everything is perfect.  The food, the way the food looks, the way the food tastes, the way it is presented... she has the pool perfect, the yard perfect, the perfect music, everyone has sunscreen, mats, shade or sun, both are available, drink, cups, even visors, for the ones that forgot hats.  I mean this girl can do it all. 

So, it only stands to reason that I should repay her incredible hospitality, by blindly driving out of her driveway, onto her sidewalk and backing smack dab INTO HER MAILBOX.  and I didn't just tap that sucker, I took it down.  A 4 foot tall, brick encased mailbox.   Yep, I did it.

Well, have you heard the saying it ain't a party til something get's broke?? Well, it was a PARTY. 

And I was 100% stone cold sober.  Not one ounce of alcohol in my body.  Just a pathetic excuse for a night driver, for sure. 

Sorry, Fonda.  Checks in the mail.  And it really is.  Oh boy.  Please invite me to your party's, just have someone else drive me.  I am really alot of fun. 

Falls Creek and the Full Armor of God July 31 2010

Falls Creek is a magical place. Kid's lives are changed. Some stay forever changed, and some stay changed for a week, and some stay changed until they leave the camp. I listened to the speaker implore the kids to "Put on your full armor of God", and I sat and listened and HOPED that they could even grasp what that guy was saying. Cause in High School... I wouldn't have had a clue. At 30 I didn't have a clue. And truth be told, not at 40 either.


When you become a Christian, it's kinda like exercising, it's fun at first, then the soreness hits, and it's not so fun anymore. You come home from Falls Creek and you are ON FIRE. You tell your parents, and they are jazzed, then you tell your brothers, sisters, cousins and they are "whatever", and then you tell your friends, that didn't go to camp with you, and they are like "WHAT?".. and all the sudden you're standing in the middle of a stage, with just your underwear on. And NOT wearing armor, because you don't even know the first thing about The Armor of God. And you go to your home church, and the same ole preacher is up there (and I am NOT dissing preachers, I am just making a general statement) and the same ole hymn is sung, and you lose focus of the intensity of what you just learned. It's hard to be a true Christian in this wordly world. Unless, you don your Full Armor of God. You pick up your Shield and you go. But trust me, the enemy is just waiting for you to drop your shield just an inch. "You're not bold enough... You're not talented enough.... What you say doesn't matter." These things trip me up faster than anything. And that's not anything except the enemy. Raise that Shield, murmur a prayer and move on. God's plan is perfect. And it took me 49 years to figure that out. It took a miracle in the form of a tiny baby to show me.

When we arrived at Falls Creek, Lacey was so disappointed because she was going to talk to Kip's family group about Laynie, and what we didn't count on was the CRAP traffic on I-35, so we arrived late...and God even had that worked out. Another counselor, Darla, who has followed Laynie's story from the very beginning, hugged us and told us that she had been sharing Laynie's story with her Family Group and would love to introduce Lacey to them...... See how that works out? So we got to share her story with a group of Senior/Junior kids and I do believe that Laynie will have about 10 new "friends" as soon as they get home.

Then when we walk into Worship, they sing one of the songs that we had sang at Laynie celebration and the invitation was "I have Decided to Follow Jesus", which I sang to my children as babies, and in turn, Lacey sang it to Laynie countless times, and my heart just broke open with God's hand.

It's hard to explain where we are. We are so firmly girded in our armor. We feel so insulated from the worry and the pain of this life. It's like we were elevated to another place, and that's because of prayer and love and more prayer and belief. I like walking here. I want to keep the "Falls Creek High"... which is a "Laynie High" with me. I shared with Darla that I never wanted to lose the light that she helped me find, and her "You won't" encouraged me. Walk the walk with friends that believe. They are your "earthly angels" .

If you are unhappy with your church, or you think that church is a "Drag" and "All political" and "A farce", then friends I invite you to join me at my place of worship, and see if you can change that feeling. Lifechurch, 5 locations all over the city, or catch it online. See if you won't change your mind. Lifechurch is FallsCreek on steroids. Every week.

Because there is NOTHING, and i repeat, NOTHING, like walking in full armor. It's just like exercising, after you do it a while, you are strong and can do anything. Keep believing in God, keep walking the walk, and you can do anything.

by "Kelli Foster"... One of my friends,Lindsye, text me this picture today...turns out her boyfriend's little brother was at falls creek and they passed out Laynie's bracelets...when she saw it on his wrist she asked "how do you know Laynie?!"--so that's just another example of how her story made a full circle! GOD IS GOOD!!!!

God is Good, all the time.

Starting to feel my heart beat... July 30, 2010

I worked in the funeral industry for many years. Some of you know this. One thing that particularly struck me, was the fact that couples that had been married a long time rarely lasted long after the other passed. They just didn't want to be here without their heart, their life, their love. Usually the men would go, after losing a beloved wife. Just didn't want to be on earth, without their love.


I have been so mired in the loss of Laynie, I have lost sight of the beauty. Boy, is that easy to do. You find pictures, you find videos, you find any piece of memorabilia you have, and you dwell. If you had a sick person, your entire existance is consumed by their care. Your entire life is focused on being with them, and seeing them, and taking care of them, and then suddenly they are gone, and you are sitting in a room, with no one but yourself there. And I'm sure if you lose them suddenly in an accident, you are going round and round with the "What if" and "If Only"... there is just no good way to lose someone. Our earthly hearts beat around our loved ones lives.

Here is another thing Laynie taught her Lolly in her incredible little life.....You cannot look back. You can reflect, but you can't mire. The ONLY thing that got us through her last days, was the knowledge that where she was going was going to be perfect. There she would be perfect. She could "run and run and run". And in my sorrow of losing her earthly presence, I lost sight of the goal, the highest sought after prize of a Christian's life....Heaven. I have blogged a zillion times about how I realized that she would be there, knowing in my head that she would have a "perfect" existence... but little knowing the pain of the loss that I would experience. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that Laynie ran to Heaven, and I can finally say, I can feel my heart beating again. In spurts, but it's a start.

My whole existence, outside of work, was this baby. I planned time around her and pretty much gave up all my free time to be with and love her. You sit in a house of empty, when you cut yourself off from everything. Lacey has a plan. Lacey has sadness, yes, and pain, but she's doesn't linger or dwell. She has moved forward. I am in awe, literal awe, of her strength. Plans, goals, letting God lead her, as He has for many years.

People, don't do a "Lolly". Find friends that want to see you and be with them, go to incredible shows at the Sooner Theatre that make you laugh and enjoy. Join a gym (egads) and reach out. If you are hurting, build you a team. A rally team that walks besides you and lifts you up. Join a lifegroup,but mainly, get out and DO LIFE.

Now, I'm going to go and take my own advice... cause it would be what Laynie would want...

Friends are the best therapy..

God is Good, all the time.

Sadness- July 27, 2010

Even knowing we were facing losing Laynie, I never understood the full magnitude of how empty my heart would be. God is in there, keeping me grounded...but the pain of the hole in my heart from the loss of the baby is so intense. How in the world do people get through losses without Jesus Christ? How do they face the next day without so much sorrow they can't overcome?? If I didn't have God carrying me through this, I don't know what I would do.


At church, the message always speaks to us.. and this week was so powerful. It was the movie "Extreme Measures" which Lacey & I avoided like the plague when it was at the movies, because we thought it would hit a little too close to home. Hello....

One thing I heard clearly was you always need someone with you to help you through the tough times. So that way when you fall, there is always someone there to pick you up. Do you have that spiritual fall guy by your side?? When you start doubting and worrying, do you have your spiritual warrior beside you to bring you back up and get you walking back on the path to belief?? Lacey and Brad are each other's spiritual warriors. I have never seen such a wonderful walk of patience and healing as I see with them. Totally taking care of each other, and loving each other through it. That helps my heart a degree.

Are you living the life God wants you to live? I don't think He is all that hip on my pain right now. I so totally trust Him and know that His plan was perfect and all, but I miss that little earthly angel so much. I cannot even describe the empty hole in my heart.

If your children get on your nerves, and you just want someone to "Take them somewhere else" (oh yes, I am guilty of this) ... please re-think. Our lives are a blink. A moment. A tic on the clock. Love hard, live fierce, be bold.

Prayers for a broken heart tonight, warriors. I am reading Psalms looking for comfort. The beatitudes gave me some relief... but pictures, videos and memories are all I have now. You all still have the beauty of kissing and holding your precious ones. Never, Ever, Ever, take one second for granted.

God is Good, all the time...

Perspective . July 25, 2010

It's been 2 weeks since Laynie went running. I will describe myself as a yo-yo. Up and fine, then down and lost. Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo. Lacey & Brad are coping well. They have pressed on with an attitude of blessings that leave me breathless. Grammie has been very busy taking care of my brother and hasn't had much time to think of anything else. Another blessing. Sorry for bubba, but glad for my mom. Auntie K just "doesn't want to talk about it", and Hallie will tell you "It's the most incredible service I have ever been to" (she's been to one, Laynie's). So we are all in the coping, and for the most part, healing mode.


We were invited to Children's Miracle Dancing Event last night, and it was another bittersweet evening. Last year, Lacey stood on the stage with Brad and Laynie, and talked about how blessed we were to have her, and how healthy and happy she was. Little knowing that four short months later, it would take a twist and a turn that we were, but weren't, expecting. Then this year, having to tell most of the same people the end of the journey. Brave Mommy, brave words.. proud Lolly.

When we see friends and loved ones that have followed our journey, we are always greeted with tears. No one can really talk to us without sharing tears. And I'm here to tell you, it's ok by us. We have certainly shed them, and we think shedding them is the most freeing thing you can do. So you see us, share some tears...we are honored.

I had so many things come at me this weekend, the event last night at CMN, church this morning, kids funerals in Shawnee... so many THINGS to think about and "muse" on. And it always comes back around to one thing for me..... Perspective.

"You guys had such a wonderful attitude, and were just so strong. I couldn't have done what you did." What I know is we aren't superheroes or anything special. We were handed a big...huge....lifechanging event, and really, it's perspective that kept us all grounded.

We were never given a "disabled"baby.. we were given a "gift". We were never granted years and years of life, we were given "days"..... we never fully understood how important it was, what we were doing...we were just "doing". Enjoying our baby, her blessings to our life, and our incredible joy of being granted more and more time. Until we figured it out. And knew we had to share our faith, and our story, and our belief, and our true knowledge of God's Mercy. and how he never turns His back, it's all in perspective.

I think that is why Laynie's story is so strong to people. It's a chance to glimpse at her life, and then take a serious look at your own. Are you living the way you want to live, if you were to be gone tomorrow?? Are you where you want to be, are you "spiritually filled", if this were your last day? Laynie made us all very aware of our mortality. And that, my friends, is spiritual. To walk by FAITH, not by sight.

I think Trent summed it up best, in her service.... "She accomplished more in her 30 months, than some of the 70 year olds in this room. We got to see her life come full circle, and NO one that knew her, wasn't blessed.. Her life made an impact". You walked away blessed.

Through her life, we can change and better our lives, and that is what I call...perspective.

God is Good, all the time.

Bittersweet July 24 2010

We haven't gotten to do any outings as a family in a while. Probably our impromptu Braums trip last year, where Brad described us as his 'harem", then Laynie got sick and our ability to go as a whole group ended. Always someone stayed behind, the lucky one chosen to keep the angel. We kind of drew straws and the winner stayed. :) Now that's democracy.


So, though I LOVE having everyone be able to go out, it's tough. We're missing a little loudmouth that drew attention every where we took her. We could go NO WHERE without drawing a crowd, or people coming up and asking about her. Yep, she was that terrific. Our friend Melissa, posted on her wall, "we knew when she walked in the door at church, an excited buzz would go across the room "She's here, She's here"... and then she went on to say, "I have to believe that is how it was in heaven when she came running in.... the angels all declared excitedly..."She's here, she's here!" I, too, believe that. I always rigged it and drew the longest straw. Always.

In starting in the reading of my notes (and it will take me DAYS to read them all, there are so many) the one thing that really stands out to me, is our complete abandoned happiness of the whole deal. Alot of people have told me, "IT would have been far easier to look at this and say WHY ME, and be all down and blaming God for what He did!!" WHAT? I don't think one time EVER, after we knew what was up, did we despair our path. We despaired the outcome of eventually losing her, but we never despaired the path. Lacey didn't even do the test to check for Downs Syndrome, because it just didn't matter to her. What ever God delivered to her was her walk. Period. And he delivered us the best, eye opening, heart stretching, trusting God, faith building tiny lil miracle he could. And it turned us into better people. Lacey will tell you she prayed for her. She prayed a bold, life changing prayer two days before we found out about Laynie, and I have asked her to share that on this site with you. I'm pretty sure she will. It was a bold prayer, made by a bold warrior, and God answered...just not the way we planned.

I don't know what's going on in your life. There are so many things happening this past week, friends getting bad diagnosis on health tests, friends kids being in car accidents and barely alive, friends having surgery, friends losing jobs. I mean it was just a rain shower of valleys for people. And I hope they all have the umbrella of God. Because without it, I'm not sure how they will get through some of it. It's an umbrella of safety, security, heart healing, abundant love and Grace. I never leave home without it.

A year ago, Lacey gave her speech at the Children's Miracle Network Dancing for a Miracle Gala. It was 4 months later Laynie got sick. Tonight, we've been asked back, and Lacey will speak again...talking about the end of her journey. Bittersweet, but all a miracle.

As we travel back to church tomorrow, other than not being able to find Brad and Lacey after I go to the bathroom...I could always find them by the huge crowd surrounding them.... it will be bittersweet. I love to go to church with my family. I've hoofed it alone for about a year now, and it will be wonderful worshipping as a "team" again. But, I'll miss that little loudmouth that would yell through church and sing with Trent and gaze around at the lights. I'll miss all that. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will be there with us in spirit...smiling down on the family that loves and misses her so much.

Children's Miracle Network Gala 2010

God is Good, all the time.

I'm Kind of A Big Deal ... July 22, 2010

My friend, Darlene, got me a gift today. It's a plaque that boldly exclaims "i'm kind of a big deal". She said, "Put it in your office and look at it all the time. When you start believing it, you will do some great things". Wow.


All of my friend's confidence in me is amazingly overwhelming. I'm just a grandma talking about her favorite subject. There are zillions of grandmas out there. WHY ME?

You are raised by your parents to be humble. And in being humble, you can border on losing self esteem. It's a fine tightrope walk of being truly humble, knowing you are a big deal, and on the flip side, spouting your attributes to the world far and wide. THose people get on my last nerve.

One thing I know. I'm kind of a big deal. But only to the ones that truly matter. My family, my friends, and most importantly, my God. Years ago, I remember my friend, Jana, saying to me after my divorce.."Just let God be your lover. Look to Him for everything you need, and He will be there when everything else is gone." Boy, if I had only had an understanding of what she meant. My lover?? God?? Uhm, yes. My Savior, my father, my king, my support, my best friend, my heart keeper.. just to name a few. I never got that. I never understood that I was a "BIG DEAL" to God. and boy did I make so many mistakes. SO MANY mistakes. Had I but only KNOWN then, what I KNOW now. Think about your very best relationship... be it with your spouse, your best friend, your sister, your pet (for those weirdies that I know are out there)... think about the VERY BEST DAY of your relationship. Really, think of the best memory you can think of....Are you thinking of it yet?? That is EVERYDAY with God. And all you have to do is Ask Him In. He won't say the wrong thing and embarrass you in public. He won't run off with your best friend. He'll never leave you and break your heart.  He won't leave the toilet lid up for the 1000th time. He won't ever leave or forsake you, and when big things happen to you (and they will) He will support you through it.

Because you are kind of a big deal to Him. a Very Very Big Deal. He gave His precious son for us... after losing Laynie, I know there is no greater pain to bear, than to lose your heart in a child, and He gave His only son, to save us crappy ole sinners.

We are kind of a big deal to Him. Let's start acting like it. Let's make better choices, love a lot harder, be a lot less critical, take time to really understand the people in your life. Because you take better care of yourself when someone cares about you, and He does. Unconditionally care.

Because we are kind of a big deal.  Now start believing it. 

God is Good, All the time.

Bracelets July 22, 2010

My friends, Greg & Jessi Sutterfield, had orginally bought the first round of "HOPE FOR LAYNIE" bracelets as a fundraiser. We sold them at blood drives, and around, but I always felt more compelled to give them out, because I wanted her story to impact, and I felt weird, saying, "Ya wanna buy a bracelet??"


SO, we had a few left, and gave them at her service. SO MANY PEOPLE TOLD ME that I should sell them, because we want to build her trust fund up so Lacey can figure out something to do in her memory for Children's Hospital. For one thing, they have very stiff, uncomfortable straight back recliners in the infusion room (Where kids get transfusions). We would have given our right arm for comfortable rocker/recliners in the many hours we were there with Laynie. I don't know if that's even do-able or not, but we would like to do that.

So, I have bracelets. And we have a trust fund. What I found out is if you donate directly to the bank (and another friend said her son had the same problem), it only shows as a DEPOSIT. I am unable to see who donates, to send you a bracelet and a THANK YOU. So, if you would be so kind as to send your check MADE PAYABLE TO: 'Little Miss Special Needs Trust" (with Laynie Hope Payne) in the memo field (No checks made to me, please) and send me a message solaura@sbcglobal.net  I will make sure you get as many bracelets as you wish, and a thank you in return. This is awkward for me.... BUT I have too many people telling me to DO IT, because you guys want to help and be part of Laynie's story. And I believe that, because everywhere I go, I run into people that know her story, and that amazes me. And humbles me, because my words about her life impacted them. And that was her purpose for me and you. To make us look at ourselves and our lives, and slow down and love our kids, and love each other, live by faith, and not by sight, and quit taking life so for granted.

So now you have ALL THE INFORMATION. I appreciate you, and I will send you bracelets when I hear from you. So you can tell her story with us. Because she deserves to be shared.

God is Good, all the time.

My first outings ... July 18, 2010

I decided I had to go out and see people that "knew" so I can ease back into life. I didn't just ease, I jumped with both feet. First, at church, then to the class a year younger than me (1980), had their 30 year reunion last night and so many friends on FB, I had to go see them. What a night.


The reunion was amazing. All my "Little sisters and Brothers" that I loved from school...most of them fully aware of Laynie. It is so gratifying to be able to share and see friends that I don't have to tell them a word. They just know. They know me, they know my family. And they could comfort me, without saying a word, just a hug. It was truly amazing. My class reunions are the BOMB, but 80's class blew our best reunion away. (sorry fellow 79er's, its true). I think Facebook helped. Most of the people I saw there are faithful FB peeps. Very very cool. I heard alot of "I only got on FB to keep up with Laynie. I was totally drawn in". Laynie had that effect on people. How could you resist that smile?? That bald head? Those precious feet? No one could.

Church. We are having our "At the Movies" series, which is the Deaton family's absolute favorite of the year, and of course, the movie is UP. Ok, even at the theatre, before I dissected it and watched it with an open heart, I looked at the kids I took, and while they were completely dry eyed, I'm bawling buckets of snot at the theatre. "Seriously?" I asked the kids. "Did I pay to see this heartpulling movie?"....so of course, that's the movie we talk about, my first week back after losing Laynie.

I took three things away from church yesterday and Lacey already shared two with you last night...

-When one chapter comes to an end, never EVER give up hope.
-Life is an adventure, with unexpected storms. You'll be surprised what God teaches you in the storms.
-Doing life daily with those you truly love. This day is the only day we are promised.
Before Laynie, I had a visceral view of these things. Now living it, it's the only way that matters.

People at church knew Lolly, but didn't know ME as Lolly. Interesting. Toni told me it was because I had a picture of Laynie on my page for so long that new friends hadn't made the connection. So, my sweet friend, Jaime, from church, just really had a hard time. But as always, because Laynie taught me so much, I have things about our conversation that I want to share with you guys.

Jaime, through tears, told me her biggest fear in life is losing her kids. Boy, do I understand that. I love my girls so completely that the thought of EVER losing one is beyond comprehension. Until now.

Now, I understand that God gives us children as gifts. There are no warranties, or guarantees. They are a gift. Some live to be old and some get cancer and die, some are taken in accidents. But God is there.. every step of the way. If God is truly FIRST in your life, the storms of losing a child won't defeat you. You will grieve, you will feel the loss, but if you truly let GOD rule in your life, you will accept, and look to Him to show you answers in the WHY. And He will reveal them. But the trick is, you have to be IN HIS POCKET. And so many people don't get in there, because it's easier to blame God than to love Him and accept it. I type all so smart and knowing, like I could handle it if I lost one of my girls.... but friends, this I know... as hard as it would be, because I have "unshakeable faith" now, given to me through a little tiny baby, you have to have God as #1. You give birth to them, you think they are YOURS, but in reality, they are HIS. Always HIS. Look at Abraham. He had to wait 100 years to have a kid. And truthfully, I can only bet his wife wasn't all that thrilled to be pregnant in her late 80's. There'd be some heads rolling in my house. BUT, God told him to take his son and place him on an altar and SACRIFICE him. Give him up. Take his life. Can you even imagine??? And Abraham DID it. Because God was #1 to him. And look at the aftermath. Nothing but good.

Allow God to be #1, because when the Storms of Life come (and they will) You will have your feet firmly planted where they need to be. Safe in God's house. and His House rocks your world. Best storm shelter that is freely given, you just have to find it and ask to be invited in. He's waiting with open arms.

These are things that Laynie taught me.

Friends....get some

God is Good, all the time.

Things I'm Learning... Fun and Serious.... July 17, 2010

1- Deaton girls don't cry Demi Moore tears. We cry snot. Massive rivers of snot that projectile at any given moment. Not pretty.


2- Friends are overwhelmingly awesome at times like this. They bring you bags of bananas when your feet are cramping (thank you Cathy) they send you flowers (Thank you Wilda), they send you zillions of messages on your phone, and take you shopping (thank you Janis) and they show up and just hang with you without saying a word (thank you Cyndi), they take care of cancelling all your travel arrangements without even blinking an eye (thank you Shanna),they bring massive amounts of food to the house for you to eat(thank you Amy, Megan, Amanda, Pam & Holly, SDA ladies at moms church), they sweat all their makeup off and stand with you at the graveside(thank you Shelley and Janis), they fix a lunch fit for a king for all your family at the service(thank you Shauna, Leah and Sandy, and all the other sweet faces that served my family) and most of all, they pray for you...(thank you all of you). Friends, I advise you to get some.

3- Retail therapy is really the way to go. I have brand new living room furniture on it's way this morning. No rhyme or reason why I waited until now to get it, but it seemed like the time to do it, so I did.

4- God listening to my grief and putting the right people in my path, to help me solve all the answers is a giant learning step. I sit back in amazement at myself and others, when I share Laynie's story. I can't get over the amount of people that share our journey. I was doing the #3 above, and the lady in the furniture store knew our story. Lacey & Brad ran into a Laynie follower at Mardel. It's just amazing to me her impact. I was getting Hallie's massive hair cut yesterday, and I hadn't seen Lyndsay, her stylist, in over a year, because she had a baby, but she was kept up with the story because we have a mutual friend, Becky. As I was telling her our end of the journey, something was revealed to me. I have unshakeable faith. I had said it a zillion times, but now I know it. I think that everything that happens it orchestrated by God. and You just have to have faith that He has the perfect plan and everything will be just as it should be. Cancer, job loss, relationship ending, that's God's plan and He knows what is up. You just have to be surrendered to follow His lead, and look how things work out! You be obediant and faithful to His walk for you, and you are blessed tenfold. Sometimes the outcome isn't what you want for you (we lost Laynie) but His Plan... look at what happened and all the people that were impacted because of that amazing journey. Just trust Him. He will bring you through it.

5- I am quite sick of chicken. I've always loved chicken, but now I am chickened out. Even typing this, I know if chicken were presented to me for lunch, I would eat it and be thankful, but lately I find myself longing for a hamburger.

6- I see colors more vividly. I see God's hand in every thing I do. Even getting a ticket. That officer needed a quota, and by dog, I was there to help him. I breathe slower, and steadier, I sometimes (sometimes) think before I speak. That would have never happened without Laynie.

7- I see the need for blood drives. I never understood the importance of giving blood. We would not have had the last 9 months without the help of people that had donated blood. I have been blind to sickness before. My kids were relatively healthy (except sick ears constantly) and was blissfully ignorant to the plight of families that have children that get cancer, and blood diseases. LOTS of families. Beautiful bald children. with tired, hopeful parents. or worse, tired, angry parents, that don't know or see God. (There's a new prayer request). DONATE BLOOD. You make a difference.

8- I always knew we had a weird, but convenient set up, the four generations living in a "Kennedy Compound"....3 houses in a row. Brad keeps a fake deer in the backyard, so if it gets too estrongen-y in the house, he can don camo in an instant and be outside shooting arrows into his deer. But knowing all my girls were within reach, within seconds, has been an incredible gift. Lacey had instant babysitters, I had instant food without cooking, Hallie has instant reinforcement for anything she needs, and grammie gets to oversee it all without having to drive from Shawnee. It is a miracle and a God thing. Don't ask my brother to move down there (calls it Estrogen Lane)..he thinks Edmond is close enough.

9- I cant remember what I was putting here, because I have massive short term memory loss. What?

10- God has been Faithful in our walk. God tied up every loose end, and orchestrated a miracle for everyone to witness. He WILL and CAN do this in your life, just open your eyes and your HEART and let Him do the same thing for you. You have to have the valleys to appreciate the beauty of the peaks. And He is there, right there with you, just give Him the praise and the glory and He will never let you Go.

Retail Therapy Crew- Lacey said "2 old bitties, 2 mid bitties, and 2 itty bitties, why did the lady in the shoe store freak out??

God is Good, All the time

Seeing the puzzle pieces fit.... July 14, 2010

I didn't know there would be such an intense void in my heart of pain. I didn't realize you could miss a person so acutely. I found her plastic slinky by my computer and just lost it. Lacey found her tiny fingernail clippers and did the same thing. We are amazingly strong, until we aren't.


The difference of our walk is we KNEW this was the outcome. Lacey will tell you "We signed up for this". All the mommys and daddys with babies of their own, are just devastated beyond words because they see their children and can't imagine the loss. Every day with Laynie, we imagined the loss. We knew we were granted another day. That's why it is beyond amazing that we were given 30 months.

And we finally got the final puzzle piece today. I still have to talk about her, nonstop. So if you see me, talk to me about Laynie. I need to talk about Laynie. I will forever talk about Laynie. But we realized that if she had gotten to run in November, when she SHOULD by all REASONING have run, with a 1.8 hemoglobin.... I would have never told her story to more than our close friends. God was waiting for us to share her with everyone. She hadn't made an impact. She hadn't gotten to tell HER STORY. Her miraculous story of faith, of hope, of unending love, and of mercy.

Like I said, her life was perfectly scripted, and we were granted enough time to figure it all out. I grew an unbelievable, unshakeable faith during this walk, that I did not have. Lacey & Brad have turned into Christian giants, because of a baby that should have never made it past the first weekend. And sharing her story, we have turned others into giants...and that all from a lil baby girl that never said a word, except mama. and baba. I always insisted that she said Lolly, everybody told me she probably didn't, but in my world, she did.

Christian giants. That's what a lil bitty baby did. Turned a bunch of sinners into Christian giants. And that is the final piece of the puzzle. Her life was a miracle and given to us to change us, and make us realize that life is just a blink, and the best is yet to come.

Thank you, Laynie Hope, and thank you God, for giving her to us, and allowing us time to figure it all out.



God is Good, all the time.

My celebration words for our precious Smidge... July 13, 2010

With the AT THE MOVIES theme going on here at Lifechurch, I feel it only right to incorporate that into my "musings". Since everyone on the planet (or almost everyone) has seen Avatar, I can use the example of Jake getting his Avatar body for the first time. He has been confined to a wheelchair, and when he realizes that when he gets his LEGS in his new big body, he's not limited to a chair anymore, he can not only WALK, but he can RUN. And he takes off and and just builds speed, and runs and runs and runs. And his FACE, the pure utter joy and laughter and HAPPINESS just radiate from him. That is how I see my Laynie. But not blue, and not real tall "funsized", most definitely bald, and wearing the biggest smile in Heaven. Just running and running and running.. Thank you Payten Sutterfield, for your precious words, not too many three year olds can boast that their words were repeated over and over by hundreds of people, as your precious words were.


Two things about Laynie I will carry forever and ever. First her laugh, when she laughed it was unexpected, it would bubble from her toes and her whole body would shake. We spent some precious time laughing together, and her smile. You felt like you'd be given an award when you rec'd a smile from her.

Laynie spent her last night securely tucked first with her mommy, then her daddy, then her precious Auntie K, still jetlagged and on London time, was wide awake at 4 to be able to spend a couple of hours with her angel. I woke at 5 and tempered myself to wait until 6, and tapped on the door a little before 6. I got to spend a good 30 minutes with my precious bug, who I have to tell you, even then, would rest, then rally and sit up and look around, and lay back down. She fought the good fight all the way to the end. Her mommy, after much needed rest, came and got Laynie and I ran for grammie, and aunt nancy. When we got back, Brad was up, and everyone in the front room, with Kip playing worship songs on her laptop, we all got to say goodbye. Lacey, in her nonstop and unending wisdom over her baby, knew that it wouldn't be long, and she and Brad took Laynie to the back and within 5 minutes, precious daddy came and gave the news.

What I didn't expect was to feel such intense sorrow. I've been preparing myself for this, well, for 30 months. I watched Lacey and learned even more yesterday. Her calmness and maturity just awed me. I was the basket case. "You have to write the obit." WHAT??? ME???? I don't write. I can't think. I can't do that. I only blog on that little box on Facebook.....you want me to do something that counts now??? My aunt asked me yesterday "Have you always written?" and I said "I wasn't even aware I could write until we found out about Laynie". It's been easy, it's been my life and heart for 30 months. As I sat at my desk and blindly stared at the blank screen on my computer, trying to find words to describe something so indescribable, I just cried. How do you condense a life so amazing into a 200 word document?? It's just not done. I think my creativity stemmed from her light. And from her light, I discovered my light in a brighter and bolder intensity. The light of God, and His mercy and His supreme rule over MY life. But me?? I don't write... I just share stories.

So here's one, we were all sitting around on the bed yesterday, and the hospice nurse (WHO WAS JUST AMAZING) was listening to all our stuff. Kip, being home, brought her own special brand of beauty to the end... She is so funny and random, and her new favorite word is "Freakin'". "I tried to take a picture of the Pantheon and there was freakin' scaffolding in front of it... this is a good picture of the Colleseum, but there is the freakin' sun..." You see what I am saying? Well, my aunt, exactly what we needed, all week, used Kip's phrase at the most perfect times.... "I think I'll have some more freakin' peach cobbler" and "I'll do the freakin' dishes, where do they go?" and we would just roll. So we used "Freakin'" alot in the last couple of days. Our hospice nurse, just taking us all in, had been listening to us for a bit, and my aunt invited her to sit on the bed with us "You're family" she says.... to which Alicia replies "I'd be honored to be part of this freakin' family" and with that statement, sealed the deal.

Oh friends, I love God. How perfectly scripted this whole journey has been, and I am so honored to have been a principal player in this script. Laynie's life was such a treasure, and if you haven't read her page on Facebook, you've been the only one in Oklahoma not to. Lacey's dad, got a page on Wednesday, and told us yesterday, "She grew 400 fans since I got on there on Wed". We get updates of her page weekly, and Lacey got it yesterday, and her page had 14,200 visits in 4 days. That's because her story is such an amazing walk, and God gave me words to share her story. I believe thousands of peoples lives were touched by my "musings" of her fantastic little life. And It was absolutely my pleasure.

Thank you for loving us, and encouraging us, and playing a supporting role in our script. God's the perfect author in this story, and He delivered us an Academy award with this beautiful little life that we were honored and humbled to play a part in. God gave us perfection, and we will live forever changed.