http://www.jesusrockz.net/2010/01/before-the-morning-josh-wilson-with-lyrics
You gotta listen to that first. Better yet, listen while you are reading. The second "musing" of my three "musings" of this book that so seared into me, has to start And End with this song.
Liz is despairing, at the most holy of places, an Ashram in the center of India, the highest temples of meditation and prayer, of a lost love. "I loved him, I miss him, Who am I without him?" she wails to her friend. Phew. Talk about hitting me right where my mama lives. Wham. Solar plexus, no holds barred wham to the stomach. If you are reading this and are lucky enough to have never lost a marriage, then you are fortunate indeed and I envy, without any malice, you and your spouse. I have not attained what you have attained. I have not had the joy of sharing my life with someone I love and adore. I was far too young the first time, and though I hold him in the highest regard, admire him completely and am proud to be his friend, we never attained one-ness. The second time was just a crapped out mess before it started, so there was nothing but addiction and pain involved in that deal. The only good thing to come out of it was my daughter. Only thing. So I have done nothing but screw up and screw up and screw up. Then I quit dating.....for awhile and tried to catch my breath. After that second attempt at marriage, it sucked all that is holy out of me and I had to find myself again. And when I did, I really liked me. It took me a long time to forgive myself of all the mistakes I had made, but I did it,and best of all, I finally believe that God forgave me too. That took me a long time to grasp and realize. Then I started to power date... because NEVER again was I going to get sucked into a bad pain filled mess....ever, and power dating seemed to be the way to do that. Many interesting men, many interesting stories, no real intimacy, no real "life"...just play and go. Most empty feeling ever. Then right when I finally gave up, I thought (mistakenly) that God had dropped me my "Big Red Bow" in my lap in the form of a "Big Bowed Up Red Neck". I was given a glimpse of what life should be for everyone. Four years and many happy days later, with very little warning, he left me. We didn't fight, we hummed along like ham and eggs, and then one day he's just done. Kaput. Over. Does this sound familiar to any of you? And the worst part, when looking for reasons..... "It's just me, It's not you" Men, if you are reading this and thinking of ever using it, I just want to tell you, that is worse than saying, "I just hate everything about you and need out." At least that gives us something to work with.
So anyway, I feel alot of kinship with this lady that wrote this book. Here she is in the most holy of places and she can't get over the fact that life threw her a curve ball. She didn't lose a beloved grandbaby, she didn't lose a parent, she lost a love....and I can feel her pain in every word. Now her friend, who is a no nonsense Texan that calls her "Groceries" given her passion to eat, tells her (and I am going to tattoo this on my forehead) "You can look back on all this someday and see when you finally gave way to that door to close, that you finally had enough room to let real love in. Don't be the junkyard dog that keeps licking that empty can, long after any nourishment is gone. Don't have your nose buried so deep in that empty can that you can't get out of it". Squirm. Long sigh. Squirm. I'm a freakin junkyard dog, and I have let it happen.
The wonderfulness of all of this, is it means I am not alone. If she felt the EXACT same feelings, then I am not alone. What I know for a one hundred percent fact though is "I am kinda of a big deal". And if I don't believe it, who else will?? I watch my single friends struggle with the same issues, and I am encouraged. It probably wasn't about me. It probably was all about him. And after a year and a half of grieving, it's time to move on.
Losing Laynie, and letting go of the dream of a grandbaby has awakened all these dormant feelings of loss with that relationship. And I am powerless to fight them. So I am embracing the pain, the loss of a true love of my precious granddaughter, the loss of a percieved love, and the loss of the dreams those two things represented to me. My family. My precious family. And it's time for "Letting Go". because what does Josh Wilson say in that awesome song I attached ...
Do you wonder, why you have to Feel the things that hurt you, If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see, And all those things are happening, To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe, That you still have a reason to sing, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming, So hold on you gotta wait for the light, Press on and just fight the good fight, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends, You know where you’re going ,You just don’t know how you’ll get there So say a prayer
And hold on, cause there’s good for those who love God , But life is not a snapshot, It might take a little time, but you’ll see the bigger picture
Would you dare would you dare to believe, That you still have a reason to sing, Cause the pain that you've been feeling, It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming! So hold on you gotta wait for the light, Press on and just fight the good fight, Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, It’s just the dark before the morning
So, Liz tells us in her book that she Prays to find peace... and I loved how she finally worked through.... instead of dwelling on pain, she prayed for her nephew, took the spotlight off her problems and prayed for the healing and help to someone else, and her true healing began. I don't know how, why, after I totally believed that God had Laynie's plan and I totally gave it all to Him, why I am having such a hard time with this.
I can say this with utter conviction and belief in myself.... Whoever finally finds me, is going to get a dandy... cause I am a dandy, and I am finally 97% believing it. 3% still hurting, but God has him out there for me... and I bet he's looking for me too. I have to burn this into my heart, same as I knew God had Laynie's plan from the very minute she was conceived. IT's all part of the plan, and I have to believe.
God is Good, AND oh so patient with me, All the time.
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