What If ??

I have been plaguing myself for the last few days of "What if all that dancing caused Laynie to bleed internally?" "What if we held her too tight, danced too wild, blah blah blah."


Friends, I do believe I have entered the grief state of GUILT. I honestly laid in my bed last night wide awake plagued with that fear. No matter what I said to myself.."It was fun, she loved it, it was such a fun memory" the guilt remained.

But today on my walk, I realized many things. One, we were never to even have her for the twenty nine months that we did have her. We couldn't or wouldn't have done one thing different than we did. Because, friends, we LOVED. We learned how to full out LOVE and LIVE in the minute. So I can't be plagued with doubts now. I can't second guess things that we had no control over. It's time to move on and breathe, and live, but never forget. And two, in church, we are talking about TOXIC ... toxic thoughts, friends, relationships, churches. And I knew in an instant that I was having toxic thoughts. And I replaced it with "God is my strength and my shield"... and I came back here and wrote about this, finally in the full realization that despite my thoughts, God is with me, every second, guiding my walk and helping me see ..... well.... this....

I think all of us should live like today is our last day. If we had known that Laynie was only going to live 10 days past that dancing day, I think I wouldn't have tired out as fast. I would have danced longer with her, sang louder to her, laughed harder with her.. just cherishing every second even more than we already were. But we didn't know. We knew, but we didn't know. When the end of your life is staring at you, will you have intense regret you didn't spend enough time with your loved ones? I don't think that I have ever heard anyone on their death bed say "Oh, man, I wish I had worked harder on that project at work.' or "I wish I had worked all those extra weekends". No, it's "I wish I had danced longer with my loves."

So, instead of worrying that I hurt her by dancing, I am going to embrace the fact that we did, indeed, dance.




God is Good, all the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw