Starting to feel my heart beat... July 30, 2010

I worked in the funeral industry for many years. Some of you know this. One thing that particularly struck me, was the fact that couples that had been married a long time rarely lasted long after the other passed. They just didn't want to be here without their heart, their life, their love. Usually the men would go, after losing a beloved wife. Just didn't want to be on earth, without their love.


I have been so mired in the loss of Laynie, I have lost sight of the beauty. Boy, is that easy to do. You find pictures, you find videos, you find any piece of memorabilia you have, and you dwell. If you had a sick person, your entire existance is consumed by their care. Your entire life is focused on being with them, and seeing them, and taking care of them, and then suddenly they are gone, and you are sitting in a room, with no one but yourself there. And I'm sure if you lose them suddenly in an accident, you are going round and round with the "What if" and "If Only"... there is just no good way to lose someone. Our earthly hearts beat around our loved ones lives.

Here is another thing Laynie taught her Lolly in her incredible little life.....You cannot look back. You can reflect, but you can't mire. The ONLY thing that got us through her last days, was the knowledge that where she was going was going to be perfect. There she would be perfect. She could "run and run and run". And in my sorrow of losing her earthly presence, I lost sight of the goal, the highest sought after prize of a Christian's life....Heaven. I have blogged a zillion times about how I realized that she would be there, knowing in my head that she would have a "perfect" existence... but little knowing the pain of the loss that I would experience. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that Laynie ran to Heaven, and I can finally say, I can feel my heart beating again. In spurts, but it's a start.

My whole existence, outside of work, was this baby. I planned time around her and pretty much gave up all my free time to be with and love her. You sit in a house of empty, when you cut yourself off from everything. Lacey has a plan. Lacey has sadness, yes, and pain, but she's doesn't linger or dwell. She has moved forward. I am in awe, literal awe, of her strength. Plans, goals, letting God lead her, as He has for many years.

People, don't do a "Lolly". Find friends that want to see you and be with them, go to incredible shows at the Sooner Theatre that make you laugh and enjoy. Join a gym (egads) and reach out. If you are hurting, build you a team. A rally team that walks besides you and lifts you up. Join a lifegroup,but mainly, get out and DO LIFE.

Now, I'm going to go and take my own advice... cause it would be what Laynie would want...

Friends are the best therapy..

God is Good, all the time.