Here I am back in Norman. Funny how your body can be in one place and your heart so totally in another. It seems odd to be "getting back to normal routine", when in reality, "normal" will never be the same again. We have reached Laynie's first weekend home. She did just amazing. We have spoiled the little scamp rotton, and now she believes the ONLY way she can sleep is to be laying on someone and feel them breathe right along with her. I took the last 2 nights of night shift. Night shift consists of 3 feedings/diaper changes/ music listening and trying to find your glasses in order to read the teeny tiny bottles to see how much smidge is really intaking, and after feeding, tucking her into your robe and dozing beside her on the couch, in the chair, or wherever you can find a comfortable spot. The thing about smidge, she don't care, as long as she can feel your heartbeat. We finally read her discharge papers from the hospital yesterday. Small kidneys, microsomethingencephaly (small head), heart condition resolved, possible sepsis, parents/grandmother signed and understood DNR. We read all those things, and we look at our girl, and we see her managing on her own, actually sucking the entire 22-28 cc's (almost 1 oz) of formula by HERSELF (with very little help from us, just a nudge to keep her awake and on track) and filling a diaper with pee, I'm just wondering "where is that baby that wasn't supposed to live through the weekend?" I see a baby with a fierce, ferocious desire to live, and I am overcome with emotion. Lacey had her lying on her chest (laying, lying? I truly despised english) yesterday and the little smidge, raised her head totally up in the turtle wobbling position and looked her dead in the eyes. Hey mommy. Look at me. And we do, in total and complete amazement.
I sent the video link of the little boy with trisomy 18, who lived for 99 days in a bulletin, and everyone needs to watch that. 99 precious days he was given. The full time on oxygen and a feeding tube, things we don't even have to worry about with Laynie. There is a blessing. We had discussed using "Now I lay Me Down to Sleep", a photography organization that comes to your home and takes pics of the baby and mommy and daddy (stillborns and terminals)and imagine to our surprise and delight, a friend of Lacey's actually does that, and came yesterday and took the most incredibly beautiful pictures, (we got a sneak peek)- You know I'll share when I get them, probably the end of this week.
So I have to confess I shed some tears leaving my sweet Layniebug today. I so loved being in the constant day to day flow with her, but as Lacey has gotten stronger and stronger, she is far capable of giving Laynie everything she needs, though in my grandma's heart, I know Little smidge will miss me terribly. :)
I don't know what tomorrow holds for our family, but we know with sincere certainty, "With God all things are Possible", and we also know that.... God is soo good, all the time.
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