Things I’m Learning
You know, I like to think I'm in control most of the time. And this thing with Laynie, telling you, it's kicking my butt. I truly TOTALLY trust God with this. But at the same time, I want answers, and I want them now. Not tomorrow, or a week from now, but Now. The deal is.... we may never have answers with our sweetheart. Something weird and wrong happened during the meiosis, mitosis stage of her development. (Wow, did anyone REALLY listen to that stuff in school?) I wish I had listened more. I have been intently studying and studying all kinds of genetic things, and I think I have an answer, only to find out, DOOR SLAM in face. Those of you that know me well, know that doesn't do much for me. I want answers, and satisfaction and I WANT IT NOW.
What I'm learning, and trust me it is KILLING me, is there is alot of stuff out there, I get NO say over. NONE. No matter how many emails I send, no matter how hard I blog about it, no matter how much I pray.... no answers.
What I get in return....another day with Laynie. Another precious gift with our girl. I thought I had the answer. I thought she'd be fine. I thought that God figured out a way. I'm rambling and alot of you are going WHAHAHAHAHT?, but those of you that have listened to my ramblings know that I don't know ANYTHING, and we are back to square one. On Wednesday Laynie will go in with her mom and dad and do tests. That requires blood work, out of teeny miscroscopic veins. That just breaks this grandmas heart. Now take as much of Brad's blood as you want....but don't hurt my baby. And Lacey, she is a tough nut, she'll be ok. I watched her c-section a baby....that girl can do anything.
I want the impossible. I want the miracle. I want our girl to walk and play and dance and know how much love we all have for her. And I'm still not sure any of those things will be possible. But for today, we have her to love on, and ooh over. And that is an incredible gift.
This is forcing me to see that we don't have forever to get stuff figured out. We better have it figured out today, because tomorrow isn't a given. Tomorrow is a gift. And as in awe as I am of our girl, I'm more in awe of how much we all take for granted that tomorrow will just Happen. Everything will click right on.. maybe so.... but maybe not.
Can you tell I'm having a day? I know God loves me. And I know God has delivered our Layniebug. He delivered her. And he knows her plan, whether the rest of us do or not. And I'm loving every second we have we her, and don't think I'm not grateful, I'm just MAD today. What are those stupid stages of GRIEF? Maybe I'm finally out of denial and heading into ANGER. :) Whew, this roller coaster is killing me.
All I know is Laynie is here, she is in no pain, loves her mom, snores like a freight train, and I know with all my heart......God is Good.
Love you all. With tears, Lolly
No comments:
Post a Comment